An Ode To Doug: A Rogue Hornet Who Left Me No Choice

It was a day like any other when first I encountered him. While sitting in my chair I sipped coffee whilst basking in the warm sun, taking slow drags off my cigarette. My head was looking down at my phone in my lap when I guess this little dude had decided to fly my way and flex some swagger.

The hornet flew right towards my face and I heard him buzzing in my ear before I saw him. I jumped out of my chair so quickly my coffee spilled in my lap. I ducked and dodged like I was fighting Muhammed Ali. The little cuss had direct control of my fears that day. I finished my cigarette while under duress and quickly went inside.

It wouldn’t be until a couple days later that I would discover this little rogue apparently had strong feelings regarding my presence in this particular spot where I usually sit and smoke. Yeah, I know, smoking is bad for you. My thought is that we all die so why not enjoy it while we can but back to the flying terror.

Exhibit A (Crime Scene Photo)

Apparently this dude had a problem with me and for weeks I would be tormented by his disdain for me. For awhile I believed there had to be a nest somewhere. I would search the side lot to no avail. I wasn’t quite sure at the time I was encountering the same hornet. It was not until our final battle that I would describe him like the shark in the movie Jaws.

Finally I was driven the point of exasperation because this little dude was interrupting my daily routine, my alone time. It was getting entirely too frequent so I was forced to the store where I would purchase a can of Raid. I know this guy’s one of God’s creatures but this hornet, in particular, seemingly had one sole purpose in life. That would be to terrorize me.

I had had enough. So yesterday I went for my smoke, can of Raid in hand. Like clockwork, my little winged friend appeared. I had dubbed him the loving name of Doug in memory of the most annoying person I’ve ever known. Sorry Doug if your reading this. My name is Jared, not JRod as you so eloquently say each time we meet. Anyway, Doug the hornet was doomed yesterday.

As Doug flew towards me I stood my ground. Quickly, like a quickdraw at the OK Corral, I raised my hand and pressed the aerosol button. It was either him or me and he flew right into it. Upon being hit with the toxic spray Doug veerd off his flight path towards me. I seized the moment. I chased him. I can only imagine what went through Doug’s little mind that now he was being the one chased. Our reversal of roles exhilarated me; the day would be mine.

Exhibit B (Scene of the final battle)

Doug dropped out of the sky sharply. All of a sudden thoughts started running through my mind. Initially it was relief that now I could smoke in peace. But I also felt a little sorry for Doug. I mean, what if Doug had no friends or fellow hive members? A homeless hornet found me and seemingly looked forward towards our duels each day. For a moment I felt sorrow for such a creature; a kinship.

My mind thought back to all our encounters. Maybe it was a dance of love for Doug. Unfortunately I’m straight and though I approve, and even encourage, same sex relationships I just don’t swing that way. So sorry Doug.

May you rest in peace and flights of angels carry you to that great hive in the sky. Little bastard. I decided to leave his body on the pavement as a warning to all other hornets. Since his demise I have yet to be disturbed by a hornet thus far. Which reinforces my hypothesis and conclusions about this particular hornet.

To all rogue hornets, I will be waiting for you.

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