Hey guys. I just wanted to take a moment to deviate from the norm. I know it is not typical table talk to talk about death. But I do not talk frankly about much with you guys and I thought I would take a moment to do so. I owe it to you.
For the largest part of my life I’ve flirted with suicide ideation. Bleeding profusely emotionally has left me years of attempts to pacify a pain not only from that but also from things that followed that no person should have to endure.
I suffer from severe anxiety and depression from a horrific car crash and subsequent downward spiral in life I had from it. So let us call it a problem for the typical person.
Yet I like to look and see myself as a clever individual. I tell myself I can pull my shit together and go to work, deal with the reality of my desperation I have in need of help in every way and deal with the fact I’m not 25 anymore. Man that would be cool again though.
So of course, me ruminating of younger years, let me express what I now, over ten years later, love doing the most.
I enjoy the things in life that give me joy and dull the anxiety. I’m not past a good glass of merlot. Of course it is a few and far between kind of thing. You see I come out in true form at night.
Sometimes I relax just as much as the next guy and write. Then the funniest thing happens, I’m not warping my mind. I’m exercising it. Or so I say anyways. I think many people see me as silly and I don’t blame them.
But hell, if I didn’t have this to do I would be going crazy in my head about work and how to make everyone as happy as I can. How to manage myself between estrogen in doses you would not believe.
Yet at the same time I get to see good friends and familiar faces I call acquaintances in a town, I feel is as drab as any town I’ve been in, that I call home.
What must I do? Where do I find motivation? I want to do so much yet at the same time I’m finding the older I get the less I like change. I have a routine and I set my day to it. Any deviation and I find myself uncomfortable.
I watch the news and get 1,000 notifications a day from USA Today, the Washington Post and my local newspaper. I was a journalism major here in town. I was published in college and have several columns I am fairly proud of.
I don’t call it rubble but I could say I read it and could see I had a fervor to be a part of the conversation on some topics. Objectively of course except for one impaticular piece I did on the death penalty and how I believe in it.
I sincerely feel Christ was killed and he was innocent. So I feel there are some in this world who definitely don’t deserve life. So my piece was passionately amateurish if I could call it that at best.
Yet writing in college was just fun. I wasn’t passionate about it or schoolastically fascinated with writing. But as I have grown older I have learned writing is a true endeavor in if not bravery, but almost foolishness.
How could you ever offer someone any piece of your soul and expect them not to be set aback? How could I be so audacious and pretend to know anything?
That is just the quandry though, I have never pretended to know how others feel or how others should direct their paths. All I have ever known is my own. I’ve copied almost over fifty books and taken endless notes pertaining to psychology and self-help. Yet most specifically the Bible.
I’m trying to be a better writer. Because the more I do the less I find myself fixating on death and why there is any reason for me being on this earth other than to eat this here Ben & Jerry’s.
Behold my shrine to gluttony. It makes me shed a tear but then again I’m looking down dwelling on why not to drown out all the chaos in my head from today.
The fact I work with all females is comical. Yet it would be tragic if I didn’t have a younger sister to learn from growing up that it is an indelible fact that if the women in your vicinity aren’t happy, you ain’t happy. I learned that quickly in life.
In summation, I would just like to reiterate the fact that life is really messed up for a lot of people in the world right now. Everyone is fighting their battles just as I am fighting mine. Being able to share and see the musings of progressive and expert minds on psychology is really helpful. This platform has given me a great opportunity.
It is a place of comfort I share with each of you. I’m no messiah nor am I a poet. I am an insane entity trying to reach out to you. I want you all to know you are not alone. I want you all to know you have wonderful things to live for.
Personal connections with positive people really helps. Non-judgemental and learned minds. Aged minds and minds that are just budding, oh what a place to be if not for a university itself.
I truly am thankful. Thankful to be alive. And that is good enough for me this night. If I never wake I never wake. But let this ink serve as a testament that I loved, lived, lied, laughed, hated, hurt and everything else under the sun as has everyone else. So remember me as friend.
I once dwelt alone. I know what death and pain are and mean. They are real and must be dealt with. Yet I say ‘not today’ to the God of death or whatever wisps us away to the great thereafter. Then I finish this Ben & Jerry’s here and pass out.